“What do you want, scamp?” he eyed me cautiously. “You wouldn’t come over for nothing, so talk.”I spilled. I told him everything. The abuse, the name calling, how my friends wouldn’t stand up for me. How my sister got knocked up by my worst enemy. “Son, you got a problem.” I thought to myself “obviously Gramps. Thanks.”He arose and motioned for me to follow him down into his basement. I couldn’t believe my eyes. Every square inch of the basement was covered in pornography. Stuff I had never seen. Stuff I could never imagine. Stuff that I’m pretty sure was illegal. There was a bed, a wardrobe, and a chest of drawers. He pulled out a drawer and handed me a tin of mints.I looked at him incredulously. He said to me, “Stow it, son, you’re practically an adult now. We’re going to get revenge the Walker way. I had four sons. Only your Daddy was from a loving marriage. The other three? Girls connected to people who tried to fuck me over, so I fucked their girlfriends or sisters. In fact, I’m. We trust you understand this. Should anyone have a pet of any kind with them, and do not wish that pet to be terminated, remain behind and you will be returned to Earth. This is the final opportunity for this to happen. Any organism that you land with will be immediately destroyed by the customs officers. You have been warned.Enjoy the rest of the trip to your new life.”One of the passengers stood up and declared, “I brought some cuttings of my favourite grape vine, for starting a vineyard on the new planet. Do they have to be destroyed? That seems a terrible waste.”The ship voice came back with, “If you are prepared to put them at risk, we can try irradiating them to kill off bacteria and any organisms living on or inside the plants. We cannot guarantee that no harm will come to your plants, but that is the best we can offer.”The man was quick to agree. “That sounds a lot better than nothing. I can tell there should be a market for wine produced in the colony, so I will take that.
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